4th August, 1993: Room is very nice [at the San Francisco Zen Center] . . . but I feel out of place & awkward & missed zazen this morning because I never heard the bell or people stirring. [Later, at the Hartford Street Zen Center] my first sight of Philip was of him sitting in… Continue Reading »
6th August: Missed a.m. zen sitting & feel very guilty about it & awkward . . . . I’m not eating meals here yet; hiding more or less in my room, some sitting in the dayroom, self-conscious and small. Tonight at 4 p.m. will help in the kitchen and need to check with Jerome about… Continue Reading »
7th August: Today I walked down Market Street and back through financial district looking for Moloch but all I saw were businessmen & women who looked grim or hurried, reading the “Wall Street Journal” as they walked uphill. Mentioned my journey to Philip and he said, “No, I could never find Moloch either. There’s no… Continue Reading »
10th August: Today Philip & I talked mostly about art — Gaugain’s red, the swirling intermixed colors of Van Gogh which create valleys and crevices that rise off the canvas, & Vermeer, both of us unable to remember exactly how many paintings there were but feeling it was very important to remember. Continue Reading »
12th August: Philip scolded me today for being too timid, too placid, shy. “I shouldn’t have to be taking care of you.” Continue Reading »
14th August: Philip feels his situation is worsening — the chest pain and shortness of breath are returning. But his step seemed livelier today & he actually seemed in better spirits. Continue Reading »
18th August: Philip found out I’d left the Zen Center today and have been living in a hotel. Tom at the Zen Center is a friend of his and called to find out how to find me as he owed me the money I’d sent for rent for the month. Philip scolded me when I… Continue Reading »
21st August: When I asked a question about zen sitting today Philip insisted on taking me down to the basement zendo for a private session. Soon he was bowing and on his knees and turning in circles and I was begging him to stop. But he refused to stop even though I’m sure he knew… Continue Reading »
22nd August: Philip is tending an AIDS hospice in the other half of his building and it’s my first contact with AIDS patients outside the hospital. I bring them newspapers in the morning and feel strange and nervous in their rooms. The nurses are lax and friendly, very fond of Philip. In the main room… Continue Reading »