Boulder, Colorado July 2, 2007

Published in the A Year In Remove: May 15-2007-May 15, 2008, Journal

Descending into the Crater

Looking back, I realize I prepared myself, consciously and unconsciously, for everything that was about to happen. What launched it all was an impulse to act, as if someone or something was pushing me, waking me, urging me to hurry.

But whatever pushed me soon stalled. I wasn’t ready and the effort became an obstacle. In retrospect, I can see that this setback was what allowed me to build the strength and resources I needed to eventually succeed. There is an alpine lily that gathers energy for nineteen summers and on the twentieth blooms and dies. Just so I gathered whatever strength I could and entered the forest, not in ignorance but in confidence.

My initial success was just beginner’s luck—random events accomplished with the assistance of unseen powers and guides. I owe my lucky escapes to those who made them possible, to those who lifted me out of my own way and dragged me against my will whenever I decided to abandon the adventure.

Once inside the forest I met a woman who led me into the lower world, where I lost everything. I lost my loved ones, I lost my money, I lost my health, I lost my grasp of the adventure. Yet I still maintained faith in the future even though everything was going wrong. I waited for the storm to pass because I knew that was what I needed to do. By doing nothing, by not struggling against what was happening even when it threatened to destroy me, I learned to listen and wait for what would happen next.

And then all luck turned away. The magic that had brought me this far was broken or lost. Nothing was as it seemed when I first started out. Certain I was in danger, in an effort to save myself I betrayed another version of my self, my best self. I broke promises, I abandoned my principles. I behaved shamefully, I got my hands dirty. I believed it was something that was happening to me, not something I created. I believed I was being hunted and had only one desire—to escape.

Then darkness set in. In this darkness I found what I was looking for. I found my ideals, my goals, my life’s purpose. But, immersed in darkness, someone had to pull the curtains open to fill my eyes with light. When I woke up, I moved forward on my own.

On the journey back, I was guided by what I remembered of what the elders had told me back when I had no way of understanding what they were talking about. I understood what had come before and what was about to happen.

I returned to ordinary life, but with a piece of magic in my pocket: every moment is a new beginning, and there is a brilliance by which darkness can be overcome.

Now I know what to do. I travel through my days and hand a piece of magic to those who will need it later on.